Welcome to Healing Trauma

DEPRESSION

Hello and welcome. At this time you get to have a short walk with me in my life as a survivor of abuse as a whole, and sexual abuse in particular. Don’t forget to read right through, to enjoy the gem of positivity at the end.

I first developed depression when I was only fourteen years old. However, I wasn’t actually diagnosed as depressed until I was twenty. For those with depression, the following description will be only too familiar. For those who have never been depressed, my hope is to give you some idea of what people with depression live with every day.

To me, depression is an emotion that is literally black. A complete void. A black hole in space. An all-encompassing vortex which sucks everything into it. It specifically takes all the positivity (both colours and emotions) out of life. There is no fun or joy, not even excitement. And, at times, it even sucks away the will to live.

I’m not really sure that there’s a specific body part where I feel the depression. It’s just an all over body weariness. My very bones ache from tiredness, and everything becomes too much. For me, there are even times when it feels too tiring to even do something as basic as breathing. I remember feeling this depth of depression ever since halfway through 1993.

The intensity though, is actually quite frightening. I liken it to going swimming in turbulent waters on a dark grey overcast day. You suddenly find that you have swum out too far from shore, and you realise that you don’t have the energy to swim back to safety. The waves and fatigue catch up with you, and you start going under. You flounder. Your face goes under the waves time and again. And the more you fight going under for good, the more tired you become. At this point, I can see that there are about three possible outcomes.

The first is that the sun comes out from behind the clouds, the seas calm, and you find that you are able to swim back to the beach after all. As far as I know, I have yet to have that outcome. I know, from listening to others, that there are people fortunate enough to feel that. Lucky them, is all I have to say. Please don’t get me wrong. I am genuinely pleased for them.

Then there are those who give in and just sink. They almost get a perverse kind of pleasure in going down and staying down. I want to make one thing clear: I do not believe this to be true of the majority of suicides. I’m talking about those sad few whom wear their illness with a badge of honour. What I mean by this is they go out of their way to try and make the people around them feel guilty. The “pity me” people. And they are out there. Why do I say it’s different with majority of suicides? Because I’ve been at that point many times myself. Where I think it would be easier for friends and family to get on without me. But it’s not true. Survivor guilt is just as harmful and hurtful to those left behind. I know this as well, because I too suffer with survivor guilt.

And finally there are those like me. I don’t sink all the time. There are waves that thrust me under. But, like a bad penny, I always pop up again. I may not drown entirely, but I can never even hope to get back to land.

And then I come to the most common thoughts I have when depressed. This is a lot harder than it seems, because there are so many. But let’s see if I can narrow them down a bit.

“I wish I’d died in my sleep”

“I’ll never achieve anything, so why bother trying?”

“I just want to disappear”

“Things will never get better”

It may seem from those thoughts, some people would tell you to “just snap out of it”. But when those thoughts are combined with such utter rock-bottom desperation, you would understand why the person can’t. You literally have to walk in that person’s shoes to know exactly where they are.

I’ve start collecting for myself, things I can do when things are utterly black. They are not big things, or take a lot of energy. They are just enough to get me through. One thing I can do at my worst, is to concentrate on my breathing. It’s just a little thing, but it truly does get me over that danger point. Once over the peak, I can start to think of other things. Journaling, listening to music or a funny audiobook, watching a favourite movie which you can lose yourself in. As the waters start to ease their rough tossing, I can then go for a walk, do some craft (I can recommend diamond art), just do anything other than sit in your head.

Your little gem this time is an affirmation:

This too shall pass 

It may not seem it at the time, but you can get through. Although it may be dark, remember the blackest urge can turn to grey. Just hold on, and you’ll get there. I invite you to find the song “Hold On”, written and performed by Katy Nichole. It truly captures the essence of depression. 

Thank you for walking with me this short while. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what helps you to get through. It may just help someone else. Until next time, breathe — and believe.