Touched By a Man

Touched By a Man

Hello, and welcome to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to walk with me through my journey of healing from sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end, in order to enjoy my gem of positivity.

This time, I’m going to talk about being touched by a man after the violation of rape. This is an issue for many rape survivors. People like me, and you.

What does it mean to me to be touched by a man? To start with, it depends upon the man and the circumstances. As a general rule post traumatically, just being around men causes my skin to break out in goose bumps, even now. It makes my skin crawl, and I loathe any actual physical contact. Even male members of the family give me the same feeling — one of not being safe.

I think it’s more a matter of reaching my inner emotions, the very core of my being. So to feel safe in allowing touch from a man, I need a feeling of safety. If I don’t feel safe, then I don’t trust. And if I don’t trust, any sort of touch is a no go. It sets off danger signals of hyper arousal and flashbacks. In which case any form of touch contact is perceived as sexual abuse.

The inner part of my thighs are sensitive. Even if I touch there, let alone a man, it automatically sends me back to the original brutalisations. That then sets off the automatic trauma rape response. 

My clitoris oscillates traumatically between completely numb, or excruciatingly painful. My clitoris was heavily abused. When I fantasise a man stroking my clitoris now, I feel normal emotions. Arousing yes, but because any relationship would be built on safety and trust.

Generally speaking, my arms and legs are sensitive to touch. So to have a man touch my arms or legs actually results in a trauma response orgasm. It’s not something I want to happen, the orgasm just happens. Firm touch is better than light, but that doesn’t necessarily mean no orgasm. Even simply massaging my feet and calves can still bring on orgasms. All these orgasms are excruciatingly painful, and often dissociating.

My head and hair. I find having my hair stroked by a man, as comforting, not necessarily sexual. However, the face is a trigger zone due to the number of times I’ve been slapped by Alex. The back of my neck, that’s pure fear due to strangulations and assaults.

I love giving Eskimo kisses (nose to nose). I even taught my last dog to give me Eskimo kisses. The nose is fine. I can be touched there, and even kissed there, without any problems. Cheeks I don’t like at all. Kissing on the cheek is upsetting. A man touching my ears, and the sides of my neck, feels enjoyably intimate but won’t necessarily cause an orgasm.

The upper breast to the nipple and the front of the neck, triggers both arousal and fear. Arousal as a reflex pleasure which turns me on, but traumatic fear in case I get hit or grabbed by the throat.

And now for my belly. Again it’s a matter of trust and safety. As a general rule, I don’t even like doctors touching me there. The exception to the rule is my gastroenterologist. He’s safe to me, and I trust him. I don’t like tummy touch from men in general. When a man I now trust touches my tummy, it automatically feels like safety, strength and protection.

And what about you? How do you and your body perceive touch by a man? Is it an automatic trauma response? As you can see from the above, I have had a strong aversion to being touched by men. However, as I heal those automatic trauma responses are becoming less. I am now able to have innocent accidental touch from men, without the trauma response orgasms. And as you travel through your journey of healing, you will find this too.

To conclude, I have chosen an affirmation. If it is attributed to any one person I do not know, but I thought it very fitting:

I deserve kind and gentle touch.

This is true of everyone. We all deserve to be touched gently and kindly, no matter who we are, or our background. And it doesn’t only apply to physical contact, but our hearts as well. I am slowly learning this, and as you heal, you will too.

Thank you for taking this short walk with me. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what the affirmation means to you. And until next time, breathe - and believe.