Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to take a short walk with me as I take through a part of my journey to heal from sexual abuse and assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

The word “forgiveness” is very much a part of the whole ‘learning to be one with yourself’ movement. It is touted as being essential in the embodiment of our spirit. It’s a fantastic ideal, something which we are all aspire to.

However I am not there. Forgiveness to me means a tranquil sea in the sunshine. Not a ripple of disturbance. It’s as if nothing has ever happened that could have been troubling or wrong. No storm, not even a whale breach to capsize your boat.

I will be honest to say that in my journey to heal, I don’t feel that I can forgive all my perpetrators fully just yet. A lot has happened. So much hurt, pain, misery, despair, loss of hope. Hardly a peaceful scene, is it?

I have tried to forgive. Really I have. But I seem to have a block. Because now I do remember all the abuse. Every depraved bit of it. My past is worse than the bloodiest horror movie and more complex than the best psychological thriller around. To have my memories makes me physically ill.

My biggest problem with forgiving all that has been inflicted on me, is my point of view on forgiveness. I feel that if I forgive my perpetrators all they have done, it’s the same as saying that it was okay and didn’t matter. No big deal.

But it is a big deal. Every assault has driven me further into myself. The perpetrators have literally changed my life. And not in any good way, either. 

I’m afraid of being around people, even my own family. I seem unable to communicate and connect with the people in my community. I fear being touched. Even hugging I find unbearable. And as for being in a relationship, forget it. And it’s not only the sexual acts that turns me off. I struggle even to kiss a bloke I may be interested in.

Having said all that, one thing is becoming clearer in my journey of healing. Forgiveness is going to be a key element. And forgiving won’t be easy. But I have been looking at forgiveness from the wrong point of view. You see, my forgiveness isn’t for my perpetrators. It’s for me.

Forgiveness isn’t about giving my perpetrators the “all clear” signal. Forgiveness is about letting go of the control those perpetrators still have on my life. It’s about reclaiming my life. I’m not forgetting what has happened. Rather, I’m giving myself permission to move on.

To no longer be defined by what has happened, will help me to heal. To let go of the pain, the despair, the loss of hope. Don’t get me wrong, all of the abuse and sexual assaults have still happened. But forgiveness is about forgiving the person who was actually not at fault. Yourself.

As I have said, I’m not there yet. But with each and every day, I’m moving one step closer to healing from the person I blame the most. I’m not quite ready yet, but at least I now know that’s who I need to forgive.

The gem of positivity is I guess what you would call an affirmation. I’m sure I’ve seen it somewhere before, and I think it highly apt for this post:

I give myself permission to let go and move on

I know that it’s not easy to do. I’m struggling with this myself. But to truly heal, I need to to forgive. To do just what the affirmation says. To let go, and move on. For me.

What is your view on forgiveness? Do you need to let go and move on, just as I do? I invite you to leave a comment on your definition of forgiveness. And until next time, breathe - and believe.