Denial

Denial

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to take a short walk with me, as I travel through my journey of healing from sexual assault and abuse. Don’t forget to stay to the end, to enjoy my gem of positivity.

Denial and I are close friends. Despite all I have been through with molestation and rape, at times I still deny what has happened. Today I will talk about my time in my “dream job”, when I was with the man I refer to as Alex.

I still deny the reality of my soul destroying and traumatic sexual and physical abuse from Alex. In fact, I have been denying the cruel treatment I received at that time in my life so successfully that it is only now, 26 years later, that I am able to start admitting to the heinous acts I was inflicted with.

When I was first raped by Alex, I actually didn’t understand it was rape. But that didn’t stop me from feeling all the range of emotions that sexually violated people like you and me go through. I was in disbelief. That this man, who said he loved me, could hurt me in such a way. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

Had I done something wrong, that he should treat me in such an abhorrent manner? I had trusted him. It felt like I’d been betrayed. I had been. Finally I decided that if I didn’t talk about the months of rape and abuse, it meant that it hadn’t happened. I denied the truth of my reality.

Similarly, when I was brutally and painfully gang raped by my coworkers, each time I told myself the same thing. They couldn’t possibly have just done what they did. No, that couldn’t have happened to me.  I must be having a really bad nightmare. I’ll wake up soon, and it will never have happened. Of course my work mates couldn’t have done that to me. But I did wake up and the trauma set in.

In my trauma I was denying the truth of being raped. Denying the truth, however, didn’t make it any less the reality. I’d still been traumatically violated on many levels. All my denial did was keep me trapped in the cycle of abuse. And it hasn’t helped me to heal. Despite complex (PTSD) being a common reaction to the violent rapes, the denial helps neither you, the reader, nor I. All it does is make healing despite the experience of the violations that much harder.

By the denying of the reality of my brutal sexual assaults, I became closed to all the good things life can offer. The joy, the happiness, even simply eager anticipation of pleasurable things. It also stopped the expression of other natural emotions. Sadness, grief, and even anger.

I know. I’ve been there, and in many ways I’m still there. I still deny myself these normal emotions. I blame myself. So through my trauma, I’m still denying my reality. And in doing so, I’m hindering my healing process.

Are you doing the same thing? Are you denying the reality of the sexual violation you have suffered? Don’t be like me, and spend years living with the traumatic lie. Call the traumatic experience of being abused and assaulted for what it is. A violation of the trust you may have had in your perpetrators. 

The gem I have chosen for this post, is a very applicable quote. It is one not directly attributed to any one person, but the sentiments are expressed by many:

“Denying the truth does not change the facts”

How true this is. No matter how much I try to deny the truth of the assaults, they are true just the same. My denial doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. Denial just stops the healing, so important for all. Including you the reader, and me.

Thank you for taking this short walk with me. Please leave a comment on what denial means to you. And until next time, breathe - and believe.