Prostitution

Prostitution

Hello and welcome. I invite you to take a short walk with me as I travel through my journey of healing as a sexual abuse and assault survivor. Please stay to the end to enjoy my gem of positivity.

I was working at a place where the managers abused their use of power. One of those abuses of power, was the manager directly responsible for me telling me I needed to take in his brother-in-law, as a co-tenant in a house I was renting on my own, or lose both my brother’s job and my own. I was afraid I would indeed lose my job if I did not give a man I will only refer to as Alex, house room.

Now because of the abuse at work, I was anorexic when Alex moved in. I couldn’t fight him off when he raped me one morning, in my own bed, a mere two weeks later. Two weeks after that, Alex started to collect payment for letting other men rape me.

Yes, it was rape. At no time did I consent to these other men. My non consent was such that Alex had to hold me down each and every time, but only in the beginning. After about six weeks , I stopped fighting. I knew each man would get what he paid for, whether I fought or not. All that happened if I fought was I got hurt worse.

I was in no way, shape or form to injure a client. Early on, I happened to kick a young virgin in his crotch. Big mistake. Alex simply grabbed a knife, and ran the sharp tip down inside my vaginal lips twice. “Now you know what it’s like to be hurt there. Never hurt a customer again, or I’ll hurt you worse than this”. Needless to say, I never did hurt another of the many blokes.

All this time, I was still going to work every day. No matter how tired I was when I got home, I was forced to “service” between seven and ten men a night as well. And every time, Alex took money for their pleasure. In short, I was an enslaved prostitute, even though I know that the sex was rape. A trapped sex worker, to use the parlance of today’s world. I lost not only my sense of self and self-worth, I lost my sense of love, especially self love.

Yet I never benefited from the income I made from the forced prostitution. Why, might you ask? The money was paid directly to Alex. The money I earned was simply to pay for Alex’s illicit drugs and support his alcoholism. I never profited from this activity. Alex never even paid the rent, which he told me he would be responsible for. Although now, I am no longer being used, I still use the epithets of society to describe myself; slut, whore, easy lay, useless scum, spread my legs for anything in trousers.

Prostitution is often vilified by society, for the service provided. However, let me ask you: what makes the prostitute so much worse than the people who pay them for the service provided by prostitution? Prostitutes would soon run out business were it not for the “customers” they service. Many of these “customers” are family men, and plenty are what the police would call “repeat offenders”.

Prostitutes are not less than any other person. They may earn their money from an illegal activity, but they are still people of worth, like no other. They still have thoughts and feelings of their own. They hurt when injured, often deep emotional pain. They lose their sense of what love is, particularly self-love. It is the need to ease this emotional pain, this lack of love, which can drive a person into the arms of another, believing each time, that this one will be different. This one will love me for me.

I was forced into prostitution. But it didn’t stop me from telling myself this customer will be different, this one will actually see me as a human being; not just an easy lay they pay for. They never did. And each time, the well of emotional pain grew, as did my loss self-love and worth.

I was fortunate. My brush with prostitution ended for me when Alex moved out. What didn’t end was the emotional trauma within me. The emotional pain was such that I lost sight of my own self worth, and self love. Something which I am working hard, many years later, to rebuild.

This time, the gem is a simple affirmation: 

I am worthy of love

I feel that many people miss the importance of this statement. I know I did for the longest time. I am not just worthy of the love of others, whether I am paid for sex or not. I am worthy of loving myself. And you are too.

Thank you for taking this short walk with me. Please leave a comment on what you do to show yourself love. And until next time, breathe - and believe.