Self Worth

Self Worth

Hello and welcome to my blog, Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me for a short walk through my journey of healing as a sexual abuse survivor. Don’t forget to stay to the end, to enjoy my gem of positivity.

According to google, self worth is the “internal sense of being good enough and worthy of being loved and belonging from others”. According to the website Positive Psychology .com, self worth is defined as “the intrinsic belief in one’s own value, independent of external achievements and validation, impacting confidence and emotional health”. It is one of those things called a core belief.

Sadly since I was tricked and raped just a few weeks ago, I can honestly say I have no sense whatsoever of self worth. I do not believe that I have any value. Nor do I believe that I am worthy of being loved and belonging with other people. If anything, it’s the complete opposite.This is in spite of all the work that Dr H and I have done together. It’s like we have to start all over again. Yes, from the very beginning of therapy.

You see, since being with my trauma therapist, I was starting to think that I might actually be worthy of living.  However, all that is gone. I’ve started apologising again, even for the merest thing. Like breathing. For the simple reason that I exist.

The most recent rapes by the man I only refer to as Alex, have me questioning my self worth. Whether or not I do actually belong in general society. I have no internal sense of being good enough, nor of being loved. And especially not having the belief in my own value.

The trauma of rape does that to a person. Rape can make a person question whether even life itself is worth living. Rape penetrates the very core of the survivor. It injures not just your body, but your very soul. The false sense of being loved and the false belief in the perpetrator, be it male or female, damages you utterly.

My violation was not only complex, but complete — mind, body, soul, spirit. I was made  utterly powerless by sexual assault and abuse. It truly did hit to the very core of my being. After each rape, I ended up with so many traumatic questions twirling and swirling in my head.

“Did the perpetrators somehow see in me total worthlessness? Is that why I was raped? Maybe I’ve been wrong all these years, and I don’t deserve to be a member of society. What scum I must be, for the rape to have happened in the first place. I must not be a good person after all. I must not be human for the rape to have occurred. Was I wearing/saying/acting in some way that made my rapest do what they did? Was I asking for it? Did I deserve it?”

What about you, the reader? Are those the thoughts whizzing around in your head? I have fought so long and so hard to try and change my feelings about this. Despite therapy progress, since Alex’s most recent repeated violations of my body, those thoughts are flying thick and fast in my mind again. My sense of self worth has vanished again.

Notice, however, that I say “again”. Even after rape I, and you the reader, can start to rebuild that all important feeling of value, love-ability, and sense of belonging. It won’t happen in an instant. Self esteem and self worth are an essential part of you, and worth pursuing.

Did you notice I have been extremely careful? I have not referred to either myself nor any other raped person as a victim. For one thing, it does nothing to help mine, and yours, healing process. If you, like me, have been raped or sexually assaulted in any way, no matter the perpetrator, you are no victim. The very fact that you have even read this post proves that. You, just as I am, are a survivor.

For the gem of positivity this time, I have chosen a quote from Zig Ziglar, in keeping with my theme for this post:

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth”

Despite how I feel or what I might think at this point in time, it is nevertheless true. Your self worth is not dependent upon others seeing your worth. Self worth is a belief in yourself. You matter. If to no one else, it matters to you. And that’s enough.

Thank you for taking this walk with me, in my journey towards healing. Please leave a comment on your definition of self worth, and how you are showing yourself your own self worth in your journey. And until next time, breathe - and believe.