My Graphic Rape and Child Molestation

My Graphic Rape and Child Molestation

Hello and welcome back to my blog, Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual assault and abuse. Don’t forget to stay to the end to enjoy my gem of positivity.

The following is an experience of sexual molestation. Yes, it is graphic. For that I offer no apologies. In this post, I am giving you a very real and frank look at child molestation — from the child’s point of view.

He comes to my room. I am partly asleep. He tells me to “hush, this is our secret, okay?” I say “okay” in a small voice, a little whisper but I know he heard me. He gets into bed with me. And starts to play “round and round the garden” on my tummy. He knows I love this game.

When he “tickle me under there”, his fingers move down to my privates. He asks me if I feel happy, because I squirm a little. I tell him that my privates feel very happy. He asks me if I want more. I whisper “yes please”. So he takes my undies off. My singlet is pushed up so that my tummy is bare too.

He tells me to open my legs so that he can make me very happy, so I do. He sometimes rubs my tummy, and often my privates. I start to feel very warm and happy. I’m not scared because I feel too happy. Then my privates feel funny, and I think I have wet myself. But he is very pleased, and tells me that I must be very happy indeed. I tell him I am.

He keeps rubbing and tickling my privates, and they start to feel very hot as well as happy. He asks me if I’m a big girl yet. I don’t understand and say no, because I’m still called a little girl. So he asks me if I would like to be a big girl and have my privates feel so happy, I’ll love it. I say yes please. He also asks if I’d like to make his privates feel happy too. I say okay, yes, and he is very pleased with me 

He starts to rub further between my legs, and I’m not sure I like it, but then he rubs the front again, that we both know makes me happy. Then he pulls me onto my side, so that I am against his body. I can feel a very hot and hard pressure between my legs where his fingers had been. But his fingers are still rubbing me happy.

Then the hard thing goes in between my legs. It hurts so much I whimper. He tells me to hush, and that I’m being a very good girl. He asks me if I feel happy still. I say quietly “no, it hurts”. He tells me I am being a very good big girl, and he will make me very happy again.

He moves his hand back down to my privates and starts to rub gently and softly. I start to feel happy again, but the thing between my legs moves up and down from time to time, making me hurt all over again. 

Then the thing starts to move a little faster. It hurts and still feels funny, but my privates are feeling very hot and happy, so hot and happy I think I must be sweating. He keeps rubbing me as the thing goes up and down faster. I can tell I’m being a very good girl, because he is making little happy noises and saying, “yes. Oh yes. Oh that’s good. You’re such a good girl. Oh yeah”.

My privates are hurting a lot between my legs, but I feel very hot and happy too. He rubs me a little harder and asks me if I’m liking being a big girl. I say yes, because although I hurt, I do feel very happy. The he rubs me very quickly, and the thing between my legs starts to jerk. 

My privates feel warmer and warmer, until they feel so hot and happy that it feels like they are sweating. There is another really painful jerk or two, then it feels like a hot explosion up between my legs inside me, and he gives a loud groan and just hugs me to himself. I hurt lots, but I feel very tingly and happy in my privates too.

He continues to hold me to himself until the hard thing becomes sort of floppy, and slides out of me.  He then lies me back on the bed and asks me how I like being a big girl now. I tell him I hurt and feel wet. He looks at my privates, and then starts to say some very bad words. It is red between my legs, and it feels like the red is still dribbling out of me.

He gets angry. I have done something wrong. He says I shouldn’t be bleeding. I don’t understand what he means. He picks me up in his arms and carries me into the bathroom. There is a little cold water in the bottom of the bath. He puts me into the water so that I am sitting up. The water starts to turn red, and he says more bad words.

I am scared. He is angry with me, and tells me I shouldn’t be doing this. He can’t understand why I’m bleeding so much. Finally, after a lot of gentle washing and trickling water over my privates, he seems a lot happier. But the water is very red, and he has to get rid of it. I know it’s because I did something bad that he seems different. 

Slowly, he lets the red water out of the bath. I have to sit at the end of the bathtub, away from the drain. He has to keep putting the plug back into hole, so that it doesn’t make any noise. He then leaves the bathroom with me still sitting in the bathtub. He has told me not to move or touch anything, so I don’t.

My privates still hurt and there is a throbbing pain between my legs. I put my hand there, and it comes away a little red. I don’t know whether I should say so, because he might get mad again. Then I’ll get smacked, and I won’t be a good girl anymore.

He comes back into the bathroom. He sees my hand and says another bad word. But he has a handful of cloth pieces. He tells me to stand up, and helps me out of the bath. It is red where I was sitting, and he seems upset. He gives me the cloth pieces, and tells me to hold them between my legs until he can help me. My legs feel wobbly, and I say in a small quiet voice that I want to sit down please. He makes sure I know how to hold the cloths, and then says yes, I can sit down.

He leaves the room again, and comes back with a pure white ice cream container. I don’t want ice cream now, but then I realise that it is empty. Despite the pain between my legs I am curious about what he is doing. I ask him. As he tells me, his voice and body start to look softer, so I know he’s not so angry with me now.

Holding the container right under the tap, he turns the water on a little. He has to do it quietly, or the pipes will start to make sounds. When he has enough water in the container, he turns off the tap, so there’s no noise of the water hitting the bathtub. Everything has to be done quietly, because this is our little secret. He tells me he has to wash the blood away. That’s when I know the red is blood.

I hear a gentle sound and know he is quietly swilling the water around the tub, concentrating on where I had been sitting. The blood must have washed away, because suddenly he seems happy again. But he has to rinse the bathtub a little at a time so the drain doesn’t gurgle. Then he slowly fills the container again and again, emptying it into the tub quietly, so there is no sound. He must have put the plug back in the drain hole, because after a few times of filling the container, I can make out the sound of water trickling into water. Then he stands up and is pleased.

I am getting very sleepy, but my privates still hurt too. The pain is still quite sharp, like I cut myself between my legs. The red stops coming out of me by the time he carries me back to bed. He lies me on my back, but then sits me up to put my singlet back on. I feel so tired I can’t help being floppy. He looks between my legs, clicks his tongue, and tells me he will put my undies back on once I’m asleep.

I do feel like I’m going to go to sleep, even though I still hurt. He asks me if I hurt, and I say yes, remembering that I have to whisper. So he puts his hand on my tummy again. Slowly he starts to rub my tummy in circles, the way Mummy does when I have a tummy ache. But it isn’t my tummy that hurts. He tells me to close my eyes and go to sleep. I whisper that I can’t sleep because of the pain. He asks me if I would like him to sing me to sleep. I whisper yes please. He says he will so long as I shut my eyes and am quiet.

I close my eyes, and try to concentrate on the songs and not the pain. He sings to me all the Sunday school songs I know. I want to join in, but I know he will get angry with me if I do. Slowly and quietly, the voice seems to fade out. I must have fallen asleep, because I am suddenly waking up. I still hurt between my legs, but I don’t feel wet anymore, so I know what he called blood has stopped coming out of me. I am wearing undies again.

I hear a soft noise and turn my head. He is coming back over to my bed, walking softly. But I can hear him. He comes and strokes the curls off my forehead. He asks me if I still hurt. I whisper yes and nod my head a lot, because there is light coming through the window so I know he can see me now. I can hear the birds tweeting outside, so I know it’s early morning.

He tells me the pain will go away, so long as I don’t touch my privates. I must not rub myself happy the way he taught me to, until the pain stops. He then gives me a big hug and tells me that I am a very good, big girl now. But I mustn’t tell anyone. Mummy wouldn’t love me anymore if she knew I was a big girl now. Then he goes away and leaves me feeling confused.

This is only one such incident between this perpetrator and me. The saddest part is that this rape of my childhood continued. Now, as an adult, the situation is not the same. However, the feelings of guilt remain. 

It is hard working through the trauma of this night. It is not, however, impossible. The earlier the emotions of such grief and suffering are dealt with, the better for the traumatised person. It won’t be easy, and it won’t take away the profound sense of responsibility and loss of peace. I know. I’m there. But it can be done. For you the reader, and I, there is hope.

The gem of positivity is actually a affirmation that I made up for my own use about 3 years ago. I am glad to be able to share it with you now:

I am worthy of goodness and kindness because I am me

This may seem like a silly sort of thing to say to myself, day after day. However, it is helping me to regain my mental and emotional state of wellbeing, in the light of such tragedy that is childhood molestation. But I can heal. And you can too.

Thank you for taking this short walk with me. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what affirmation is helpful for you. And until next time, breathe - and believe.